Carnival of Aces - December: Attraction

This post is for the December edition of Carnival of Aces, on the theme of Attraction, which is being hosted at Really and Ideally

On Romantic Attraction

bell hooks - author of All About Love

We receive messages everywhere that tell us sex and romance go hand in hand, and I’m sure they do for some people.  However, this becomes problematic when this experience is perceived as ‘correct’ or ‘normal’.  I believe that the concept of romance is fluid and everyone experiences their own personal definition of it.  Not all asexuals experience romantic attraction, but as one who does, I’ve found that people have a difficult time wrapping their minds around the idea of experiencing romantic attraction without sexual attraction.  I identify as panromantic, meaning that I’m capable of developing romantic feelings for someone regardless of their sex, gender, or sexual identity.  I feel fortunate to have such a flexible and generous identity, but being a romantic asexual brings on its own challenges. 

It reminds me of when I tell people that I follow a pescetarian diet.  Anyone who follows any degree of vegetarianism knows what it’s like to have someone gaping at you, eyes wide, and asking, “So what do you eat?” I’m always baffled by this response, as people seem to temporarily forget that all the other food groups exist.  Similarly, there are all types of attraction, from emotional to aesthetic and many in between.  Sexual attraction is just one form and is by no means the cornerstone of everyone’s experience, just as meat is not the cornerstone of everyone’s diets.  We forget this because our experiences in terms of relationships are so generalized and spelled out for us, regardless of how we actually experience things, by the romantic blueprint.   

On Dating Sexuals

Part 1

Re-defining the Sexual Language

                At this point in my discussion of asexuality some people are still willing to be tolerant.  Whether they believe me or not, they’re still willing to play along. “So, you don’t experience sexual attraction, but you do experience romantic attraction? Got it; but you can’t possibly act on that attraction with sexual people in normal relationships.”  Err, that would be incorrect.  I can and I do, but before I get into any personal anecdotes I want to explain how all this works for me.  I think many people, including asexuals, make the assumption that asexuals can only succeed in relationships with other asexual people.  The idea of  a person who doesn’t want sex being in a relationship with someone how does want sex seems like a recipe for failure because a romantic relationship (RR) is supposed to involve sex, or at least sex expression, at some point.  Sexual people express their sexual attraction through sex.  Asexuals don’t, driving the question; how can you have a sexless RR when one of the partners is sexual?

                This question is completely fair and logical and presents serious obstacles to tackle.  Most people will at some point in their lives start having sex because they want to.  It’s what makes them sexual people.  This doesn’t make them more ‘normal’ or ‘natural’ than asexuals or anyone else; they’re just the majority.  Part of being a sexual person means using the language of sex to express yourself, and naturally this flows over into relationships.  It can also be argued that sexual people need sex.  It is after all just as much a part of their make up as asexuality is mine.  On the contrary, most asexuals don’t want sex.  Sure, we could have it, and could even enjoy it, but we don’t have a need for it.  There is no inner drive making us want it and we can get along just fine without it.  It’s simply not a part of our language of how we express ourselves with other people.  This is all fine and dandy within our individual spheres but when we come together, a sexual and an asexual in a RR, it can feel more like a collision.